When You Turn Your Teacher Into A Toad
by Saphron
Summary: Um...Wyldon gets turned into a TOAD! And insanity ensues. WW alertweird warning. cough THIS is what happens when i drink too much coffee...THANK YOU to all reviewerscontributers of ideas...you're all wonderful!
1. When You Turn Your Teacher Into A Toad.....

toad-1

This Is What Happens When You Turn Your Teacher Into A Toad

By Saphron

A/N: Ok, taking a break from DDA for a little while on request from some reviewers (wonderful people ^-^), I'm attempting to write something remotely resembling humor. Mind you--this will most likely turn out to be potentially dangerous and most probably fatal to everyone's well being, in other words, I suck at humor. Yet I try anyway for some strange demonic reason that can only be the result of pagan possession. *Sighs* I have really got to stop drinking so much coffee while simultaneously having access to a keyboard and Microsoft Word.

I always thought Lord Wyldon resembled a toad, haven't you?

~

"This is all your fault," Kel hissed under her breath at Cleon, who sat next to her grinning.

"Hey don't look at me-it was Genius here who goofed up and turned the Stump into a toad."

"It's not my fault-" Neal protested, "He just happened to walk by as I was performing the spell…"

"And BANG! The next thing you know he's hopping around as an orange amphibian and we're in his office waiting to be slaughtered."

"We're not going to be slaughtered Cleon," Kel said reasonably, "Just put on punishment duty."

"Wondered what it'll be?" Cleon pondered, "Maybe he'll have us clean the moat."

"We don't have a moat."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. But it'd be cool if we did-only then I s'ppose he'd want us to get some lily-pads and a crocodile or two to put in it…"

"Well, well, well, it seems you three have gotten yourselves in quite a predicament, eh?" said a disembodied voice floating through the open door. A man followed shortly thereafter, entering and placing an extremely ruffled looking toad on a nearby desk. "I don't think even I have ever turned my training master into frog."

"Toad actually," Cleon corrected, "a neon-orange, wart-covered, bulging-eyed, slimy little-" The toad in question made an interesting gurgle sound that sounded almost like a human shut-up warning cough.

A ghost of a smile lingered on Numair's face, "How exactly did this happen, might I ask?"

"Well-" Neal began, "I was practicing my magic homework in the library while Kel was doing math and Cleon was being annoying as usual-"

"Hey! I prefer to think of it as livening up you two little bookworms with a touch of humor-"

"More like stupidity," Neal muttered, but Cleon didn't hear.

"Anyhow, I was practicing this transformation spell that requires tons of concentration. I needed to turn the rock our teacher had given us into something else; anything else, we got to choose. And so right as I was about to turn it into a nifty little snow-globe that could be used as a paperweight, y'know, with a little figure of a Hawaiian girl in a grass skirt dancing a hula dance-" he cut off at the strange looks Kel and Cleon were giving him. "Er, never mind. But um, anyhow, I was in the middle of the spell when Cleon knocked right into me-"

"I was just doing my homework like you guys…etiquette class y'know. Dancing and such whatnot. I make a pretty good ballerina-"

Numair raised his eyebrows and Cleon, realizing he had said too much, glanced sheepishly down at his hands and muttered under his breath a, "What? I have the legs…"

Neal frowned and continued, "Well anyhow, that's when the Stu-I mean, Lord Wyldon, walked in. He walk right by the table with the rock on it, and well, you know, when Cleon knocked into me-"

"I was doing a flying leap-"

"The spell went a bit off target-"

"And kinda hit Lord Wyldon instead of the rock." Kel finished.

Numair nodded, "Hmm, well, that's certainly quite an interesting tale to tell. But we still have bit of a dilemma on our hands-it appears your spell Neal, is permanent."

Kel gasped in horror, as wild thoughts of how pissed the King would be when he found out his training master was now officially a toad, leapt through her head. Cleon stopped rambling on about pointed toes and good balance to splutter and cough in surprise. And Neal's eyes widened even larger than Wyldons', which, considering he was a 'bulging-eyed' toad as Cleon had called him, was really saying something. And it was nothing to Wyldon's reaction. He leaped from the desk straight onto Neal's head and started croaking his head off insanely. Neal hopped up, swatting at the slimy little beast on his head, and Wyldon fell to the floor, where Cleon did a mad tackle and successfully pinned him to the ground.

Numair chuckled at the scene before him and they all mutely wondered how he could find their situation so funny. Neal was trying to wipe slime out of his hair, Cleon was on the floor hugging a toad, Kel was in a state of shock, and Numair was having a laughing fit.

"Calm down," he said, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "I didn't mean it was permanent _forever_, I meant permanent for _now._"

"So you mean-he won't be a bright orange little froggy for the rest of his life?"

"That'd be correct."

Kel and Neal looked visibly relieved as Cleon stood up (still holding his teacher) and snapped his fingers. "Drats," he muttered, "I wanted to keep him as a pet."

"So what'll happen? Will he just change back in an hour or something?" Neal asked, still smoothing down his brown locks of slightly slime-covered hair. He was going to need so much shampoo to get it all out…

"No," Numair frowned, "He won't transform back on his own, you'll actually have to do something-"

"Like?" Neal questioned, "What's the undo-spell? I want to get this over with so I can go take a shower. My head smells."

Numair turned serious, "It won't be that simple. For one thing, this was not an ordinary incantation, so there is no ordinary counter incantation…"

Kel and Cleon and Neal looked at each other.

"You've kind of messed with the Laws of Nature," he said frankly, "the spell was meant for an inanimate object, not a human-being. In fact it amazes me how you, if you don't mind me saying, a simple mage-in-training, were able to actually metamorphose him… To change a living being is a most difficult black-robe spell." He got that thoughtful look in his eye that meant he was thinking hard about magic, but he snapped out of it when Wyldon gave a load bellowing croak. He clearly wanted out of this horrendous toad body. 

"Ah-well," Numair began, "Never mind that. We'll give you some magic tests later. But as for now-" he cleared his throat, "you can only change him back by…"

~

~*Saphron*~

Um…that's all I got so far! I don't mean to leave you guys hanging, but I don't know what they'll have to do yet…any ideas? Something funny preferably…(crazy as you want it to get, all credit to you of course! ^-^)

I TOLD you I suck at humor! I did give you guys a fair warning…um, well, anyway, I apologize for lame ramblings on transmuting toads.

Many, many thanks to my beta-reader i.j. who not only edited this, but also so kindly told me that I was 'rather good at humor!' That was so kind J Thanks hun. 

Disclaimer: I own the toad body that Lord Wyldon is possessing, but otherwise he and the others belong to TP.


	2. 

This Is What Happens When You Turn Your Friend Into a Toad

By Saphron

WW alert (warning: weird…)

To my wonderful, creative, imaginative reviewers-THANK YOU! You ppl are genius! I'm gonna use a mixture of your ideas and my own, so many, many thanks to: Kaya (why didn't I think of that? Hee-hee ^-^) Renaissance Girl (nutty! And *very* weird) Wicked Lady (I like! Your idea, cartoons, and pixie sticks! All the wonderful things in this world ^-^) Nzgirl (You are nuts honey! Your idea is crazily whack-very, very, VERY weird! And way cool! A whole story unto itself…with it's own plot and everything…*thinking* hmm…and I LOVE the Wizard of Oz thing (which I am so using)…) Annie (from the deepest, darkest, corners of my mind! MUAHAHA! Or maybe too many soap-operas…tehe…) Magelet (I'm not a signing-in fan either ^-^ -way too lazy) Keladry (too kind m'dear! Much too nice) Me-(I actually had the potion idea ironically! ^-^ We think along the same lines!) Thanks Kitkat ^-^ Hee-hee… Saturn68-Oh that's GENIUS! I should have done that shouldn't I? It *does* fit his personality! But alas…he shall remain an amphibian…But then Cassie-(*snorts*-double-hockey sticks? HA! Where've I been? If I told you I'd have to kill you…muahaha…no really, I got sucked down a black-hole in cyberspace and only got out cuz I had some spare pixie sticks to load up the starship engine with, but then I got tangled in a nasty time-warp that duplicated myself three times, so there were four of us Saphys runnin' round spreading the chaos. Each of us kept trying to sign on but since we were all fighting over the keyboard it got chucked at the comp screen by accident and poof! There went that. Only good part was that the three imposter Saphs went bye-bye once the comp exploded. I've finally just got Bob to fix it with his telekinetic powers. Tehe…I really should quite the sci-fi eh? But seriously-I know, I've only been on once this week I think (when you weren't on unfortunately)…tell ya 'bout it later hun, ok? Or ask Jae, but I didn't tell her much so she probably won't know what you're talking about… And then you gotta tell me alls your dreams! Fair exchange for my beef ^-^)

~

__

"Ah-well," Numair began, "Never mind that. We'll give you some magic tests later. But as for now-" he cleared his throat, "you can only change him back by…"

The children inched forward in their seats…eagerly listening…come on, come on, what could they do…

He shrugged and stopped. They gaped at him.

"What? What do we hafta do?"

Numair looked at them, "I'm not really sure…but we can try a few things."

"Ok, fine. Let's go."

"You're not gonna like it-"

"I don't care! I just wanna go take a shower!"

Numair shook his head, "Ok…first up is the classic disenchantment. Cleon, hand Neal the toad-er, I mean, lord Wyldon."

Cleon did so silently, and Neal took him tentatively in his hands, practically squealing at the slime slipping through his fingers.

"Kiss it." Gracias Kaya

"WHAT?!?"

"Kiss the toad, it's simple."

Neal paled visibly-"Uh-huh, no way, I am so NOT kissing a toad!"

"It's not a toad, it's Lord Wyldon. Just do it," Kel berated.

Neal grumbled something inaudible while Cleon snickered behind his back. "Pucker up princy-want some Lipsmackers? I have five flavors-strawberry pink, rose-pink, pink-pink, cheery pink-and banana."

Neal glared at him, "Just give me the toad." With great reluctance and obvious pain Neal raised the toad (who was glaring back at him just as evilly) to eye-level. Squeezing his eyes shut, he puckered his lips, leaned in, and pecked the amphibian on the head.

Nothing happened.

The toad just gave a loud gurgling bellowing grunt-croak and Neal kept spitting saliva and gagging to death. The others shook their heads, clearly disappointed.

"Well, Numair said, "That didn't work."

"No shit Sherlock." Neal grumbled, still wiping his mouth with his sleeve, but Numair pretended not to hear.

"Well, I suppose…this could always work…"

"Spit it out."

"Ok-you gotta appease Lord Wyldon's restless soul by telling him how much you love punishment duty-"

They all three gagged, "But we _hate_ punishment!"

Numiar shrugged and thumbed the toad, "He doesn't."

They took a few calming breaths, "All right, I'll do it," Neal stated solemnly, very martyr-like.

Numair grinned at him, "one sec," and opened up his drawer. He took out two shiny, sequin-covered, red magic shoes and told Neal to put them on. "I keep these here just in case."

Neal shot him a weird look (in case of what? People didn't turn their teachers into toads all that often…), but unhappily put on the slippers nonetheless.

"Now click your heals and say, 'there's nothing like punishment duty, there's nothing like punishment duty…'" Nzgirl to the rescue! Supergirl!

Neal glared at Cleon, who threatened to explode from contained laughter, but still half-heartily clicked his heels and began the chant. Fifteen minutes later, he was still chanting, and Wyldon was croaking along, even tapping his webbed foot to the beat. He loved punishment duty.

Numair scratched his head apprehensively, an idea forming, "Let's try this than," he began, smiling crazily. They didn't admit it but the gleeful look on Numair's face kinda scared the children. He looked way too happy… "You gotta spin around three times and touch your toes," The kids glanced at each other, "Then shout out 'wee willy winky, my son Jon!'" he exclaimed, even doing a short demonstration. Muy interesante Renaissance Girl!

Ok-was Numair all right? I mean, he was a powerful mage yes, but mayhap all that magic had gone to his head and turned him loony…

"Do it," he persuaded, nodding his encouragement.

They all shrugged-what the hell? And spun around three times (Neal, who was already grossed out and now incredibly dizzy, threatened to hurl on the spot). "WEE WILLY WINKY, MY SON JON!" They shouted at the top of their lungs.

A head poked through the door, "Someone call my name?"

Kel froze and spun around--there was the king!

Numair grinned, "no your highness, just doin' a little magic incantation."

"Ah, that explains it then." He looked like he was about to poke his head back out again but then stopped and entered the room, "looks interesting-what are you doing?"

"Um…"

"Er,"

"Having a luau, "Numair said promptly (the genius idea coming to him from Neal's intended snow globe-And from Wicked Lady!), "in fact-you can help! Go get us some grass skirts and Gilligan's hat woudlja your majesty?"

Jon frowned at being asked to do something normally required of a lowly servant, not a high king, but shrugged when the prospect of how fun it would be to party occurred to him, and ran to fetch the requirements. He was back in no time, and with a wave of his hand, Numair had turned his office into one of the Hawaiian Islands.

Strings of flowers and grass hung from the ceiling, which was made entirely of palm-tree leaves, and bright-beaded straw mats littered the floor. All along the walls hung ancient Teki masks and surfboards. The window looked out to a dazzling, shining, bright emerald sea, with soft white sand outside the door. Numair's desk was gone, replaced with a bar counter complete with a tiny monkey behind it, servin' up the drinks.

"Chee-chee, che chee?" It squeaked at them as they looked around in confusion. But apparently Lord Wyldon understood-"croak, crooooak cro-croak." He responded, to everyone's great shock.

The monkey hoped behind the counter and returned with half a coconut shell filled with white liquid (that greatly resembled pina-colada) and a little umbrella sticking out of the rim. Lord Wyldon hopped over to it and took a large swig.

"Let's par-TE like it was 456!" Numair hollered, swinging his lai around his neck. Jon shrugged and grabbed a ukulele conveniently placed by him, and started strumming on it, singing (way off-key), "Oh we're goooooin' to a Hukiloa, a huki-huki-huki-hukiloa, everyboooooody, loves a huki-loa, where the lao-lao and the-" He didn't get a chance to finish though, because then Neal grabbed a surfboard off the wall and shouted, "Callabunga dude! Surf's up!" And ran out the door, heading straight towards the water.

Cleon grinned and started dancing to Jon's boisterous, restarted, playing of the ukulele, grabbing a hula skirt and throwing it over his head in the process. He started waving his arms through the arm, dancing to the rhythm, "ah! I love to dance! I thought I made a good ballerina…but now I've found my true calling in life! A hula-dancer is what I'll be!"

Kel threw her arms up into the air--oh the insanity! Would it ever cease to stop? All this confusion, this noise (nya nya nya nya…a large splash sounded, that was evidently Neal wiping out, and getting his shower) this craziness! Kel closed her eyes-was she the only sane one left?

A faraway sound echoed like a mirage, and as she opened her eyes she saw, to her great relief, she was no longer on some tropical isle.

Neal was shaking a snow globe, watching the white sand swirl around, and Cleon was nodding approvingly. Lord Wyldon was actually Lord Wyldon, not a neon-orange, wart-covered, bug-eyed, slimy little toad. (Numair was no where in site) And they were all four in the library, which as far as Kel could tell, was not Hawaii.

"Good job with the snow globe Neal, only-"

__

However…

"Why is there a little frog in the hula skirt, not a girl?"

__

Everything seemed abnormally…large_…_

"I dunno…musta messed it up somehow…"

__

And Neal's face was all stretched out and funky, like she was looking at him through glass…

"Hey where'd Kel go?"

__

And there were little white pieces of fluff whirling around…

"I dunno, probably to bed."

__

"No! I'm right here! Can't you guys see me?" She asked, slightly dazed and getting paranoid, only…it came out in a few short toad-like croaks.

"I dun blame her, I'm tired too."

__

"Wh-what? This so_ can not be happening!"_

"Yea, let's go."

The two exited, yawning with eyes leaded down with exhaustion, and left a tiny snow-globe on the table. This left Wyldon-

"Hmm…what an interesting object! It'd make an ideal paperweight…"

Kel gave a high scream, which sounded like one big croaking bellow, and Wyldon skipped his heels in glee, "oh goody! It talks!"

She lowered her head in despair; looked like she'd be spending the rest or her days as a Hawiian-grass-skirt-wearing-hula-dancing-talking-toad-paperweight for the Stump.

__

Gods…this is what happens when you turn your friend into a toad…

~

~*Saphron*~

You wanted weird…you got weird! Hee-hee ^-^

Thanks again to all reviewers! Your ideas and comments were very much appreciated…and if you reviewed just after I uploaded this I'm sorry you weren't mentioned, but thank you for reviewing, I really do appreciate it. 

i.j.-you're wonderful! I'm going to build you a thrown made entirely of coconut shells just for you, for being the best beta-reader in all the Emerald sea. 

Disclaimer: Not mine, TP. And Giligan owns his hat (got that from a friend). 


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